The Legend of One-Armed Billy

When Lola, the hyped up 'prospective tenant' mentioned her kin One-Armed Billy, I had a vague recollection of the man from my childhood. I'd like to be able to say he lost his arm in a battle or in some noble way, but if I recall the story right he got lost it while drunk one night hopping trains as a teenager. I had seen him around town when I was younger, always stoned, walking with a strange roiling gait like he was a sailor on a ship in high seas.

TM and I were carrying the ex-tenants broken up and trashed furniture out of the house when One-Armed Billy appeared.
He walked into the yard and I said, "Can I help you?"
He points behind me at TM, "He's the one I wanna talk to!". And he pointedly ignored me. He asked TM if he can have some of the furniture, saying he 'scraps' for a living. Glad to be rid of the stuff, TM told him to take what he wants. He offered to mow the grass for a beer, which we didn't have and then said he'll be back.

When he returned a few days later, TM was gone and One Armed-Billy seemed sober. He wouldn't meet my eyes and spoke haltedly. I realized what I had taken for rudeness was in fact not. It was painfully obvious he had a problem speaking to women, at least when he was sober.

A couple more days past and he returned again. This time to offer to haul off the trash left over from the gutting and redoing of the house. He had brought "Grizzly" with him this time, so named not for his bearish and very hairy body, but because he had raised a small bear cub to adulthood and kept it as a pet. The tiny cub grew to a 6 plus foot 350 pound bear, or so the story goes. I also got treated to a story where Billy taught Grizzly to swim by tossing a 6-foot alligator (brought back from Florida by someone he knew) into the local pond. They were both quite drunk and I got high just from the fumes radiating out from the two. Billy had been drinking beer and Grizzly smelled of whisky, though I did not get close enough to identify the type.

Being drunk, they were both very friendly. Way too friendly. I was uncomfortable when the direction the conversation started to take when One-Armed Billy confided that the men had 3 arms and 3 legs between them (I didn't ask if the bear was the reason for Grizzly's missing leg, though it did cross my mind), and then recited their supposed combined manhood inches to me. I told them I'd just ignore that little remark and asked them what they wanted to haul the small truckload of garbage for me. $150. Dear God, I realized they thought me an easy mark. I told them $100 would have been too much, but that I'd pass it onto my hubby. Grizzly said he'd do it for $100 and 'anything else you might have to offer'. I didn't ask what he meant by that, but told him I'd pass his offer on to my hubby.

I saw a lot of colorful characters during my trip. I have yet to decide if my encounters with some of them amused or scared me.

Probably a little of both.